November 29th through the rest of 2017 is kind of a blur. The first week with a new placement is a crazy roller coaster whirlwind. The agency will start a process to find kinship for the kiddos to live with instead. Sometimes they are lucky enough to find a willing grandparent, aunt, uncle, family friend or even a parent or teacher, but sometimes even the people they find don’t “check out”.
So the next day when I got the call that they had found a family placement that “checked out” for the kids I was upset but not surprised. What did surprise me, on the other hand, was the kids reaction to that. Fortunately my licensor (LW) was at my house at the time of the call and witnessed the kids finding out. I’m not exactly sure how I would’ve advocated for them or if I would’ve just told them it would be OK and to put a smile on and go.
My LW talked to the boys and was immediately on the phone. The boys asked to call Mom to express their feelings and within the hour the process to keep them here was in the works.
So schools need to be contacted, transcripts transferred, school supplies to buy, pediatrician found, caseworker (CW) to meet, visits to schedule, bedrooms switched, beds to buy, car seats, strollers, bottles, clothes, coats, shoes, AND Christmas presents to buy!!! Yes it’s now 3 weeks until Christmas and we have 3 more kids suddenly.
Three kids we don’t know. We don’t know what toys they like or if they even play with toys. We don’t know what traditions they have. WE DONT EVEN HAVE STOCKINGS! Does Santa fill their stockings? Do they believe in Santa? We don’t know exactly what they expect on Christmas or Christmas Eve, and how do you get these answers from children without risking loosing any magic of Christmas??? And of course one of them looses a tooth... tooth fairy???
So along with the regular hustle bustle of the holiday season, managing parties and presents and school concerts on top of the usual sports, church, work and life, we are trying to welcome and comfort and settle 2 tween boys and a baby girl who all miss their home, friends and family very much. Then for the icing on the cake they give us a brand new CW and the city wants to shut down my daycare, (both different stories for different posts!)
The whole month is a blur. I guess it was taken day by day, meltdown by meltdown, phone call by phone call, visit by visit. One way or another we all survived. I would love to say that they had a great Christmas and I somehow have managed to tell myself that for almost 9 months. I’ve looked through the pictures of Christmas morning as they tore through presents excitedly and saw the smiles on their faces. Also the happy pictures of the afternoon when their birth mom and grandma came and brought presents and ate dinner with us and had a nerf gun fight outside. I’ve rewatched the Christmas Eve videos of them playing Pie Face with my girls and laughing together. Everything leading to the conclusion that I managed to pull off a happy Christmas for them even though they had been removed from their life just weeks before.
But just last week as I went through my phone looking at pictures for baby girls scrapbook I saw it. Their faces sitting in church Christmas Eve as I happily took pictures of the kids sitting in the pew waiting for the service to start. I was crushed. Now that I know these kids I know their smiles, and I see now that they did an incredible job hiding their pain. I flipped to our family picture in front of the Christmas tree. Five of us stood tall, big smiles, happy as could be... Two boys stood in this strange family putting on an act. They didn’t want to seem ungrateful and they weren’t ungrateful but they weren’t happy either.
I found myself flipping through pictures and zooming in on my boys and feeling my heart break a little more each picture. How could I have really thought that they were ok? I guess because they were excited about seeing presents and playing games I made myself believe that they were ok with being in our family now at Christmas. That I did a good enough job keeping them busy that they could forget what they were missing at home. Did they fool me or did I fool myself?
Christmas is fast approaching again and our house is already starting with the Christmas anticipation vibe. Christmas is by far a favorite time of the year in this family. I wonder and worry about how emotions will rise or be disguised as another Christmas goes by that the kids won’t be “home” for. I hope and pray that this is their home now and we are their family now but I only have that guarantee from baby girl. She is too young to know any different.
I hope that feelings can be shared and I am not protected from the truth again. It’s a hard pill to swallow sometimes when you have a kid who takes on the protective roll. When you realize later that he would rather hide pain than make you sad, plaster on a smile rather than seem ungrateful....
Three kids we don’t know. We don’t know what toys they like or if they even play with toys. We don’t know what traditions they have. WE DONT EVEN HAVE STOCKINGS! Does Santa fill their stockings? Do they believe in Santa? We don’t know exactly what they expect on Christmas or Christmas Eve, and how do you get these answers from children without risking loosing any magic of Christmas??? And of course one of them looses a tooth... tooth fairy???
So along with the regular hustle bustle of the holiday season, managing parties and presents and school concerts on top of the usual sports, church, work and life, we are trying to welcome and comfort and settle 2 tween boys and a baby girl who all miss their home, friends and family very much. Then for the icing on the cake they give us a brand new CW and the city wants to shut down my daycare, (both different stories for different posts!)
The whole month is a blur. I guess it was taken day by day, meltdown by meltdown, phone call by phone call, visit by visit. One way or another we all survived. I would love to say that they had a great Christmas and I somehow have managed to tell myself that for almost 9 months. I’ve looked through the pictures of Christmas morning as they tore through presents excitedly and saw the smiles on their faces. Also the happy pictures of the afternoon when their birth mom and grandma came and brought presents and ate dinner with us and had a nerf gun fight outside. I’ve rewatched the Christmas Eve videos of them playing Pie Face with my girls and laughing together. Everything leading to the conclusion that I managed to pull off a happy Christmas for them even though they had been removed from their life just weeks before.
But just last week as I went through my phone looking at pictures for baby girls scrapbook I saw it. Their faces sitting in church Christmas Eve as I happily took pictures of the kids sitting in the pew waiting for the service to start. I was crushed. Now that I know these kids I know their smiles, and I see now that they did an incredible job hiding their pain. I flipped to our family picture in front of the Christmas tree. Five of us stood tall, big smiles, happy as could be... Two boys stood in this strange family putting on an act. They didn’t want to seem ungrateful and they weren’t ungrateful but they weren’t happy either.
I found myself flipping through pictures and zooming in on my boys and feeling my heart break a little more each picture. How could I have really thought that they were ok? I guess because they were excited about seeing presents and playing games I made myself believe that they were ok with being in our family now at Christmas. That I did a good enough job keeping them busy that they could forget what they were missing at home. Did they fool me or did I fool myself?
Christmas is fast approaching again and our house is already starting with the Christmas anticipation vibe. Christmas is by far a favorite time of the year in this family. I wonder and worry about how emotions will rise or be disguised as another Christmas goes by that the kids won’t be “home” for. I hope and pray that this is their home now and we are their family now but I only have that guarantee from baby girl. She is too young to know any different.
I hope that feelings can be shared and I am not protected from the truth again. It’s a hard pill to swallow sometimes when you have a kid who takes on the protective roll. When you realize later that he would rather hide pain than make you sad, plaster on a smile rather than seem ungrateful....
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