Here come the holidays...

Here we are again quickly approaching Christmas. It’s very hard to judge how my kids are doing. Clearly the baby is fine, but J.... He always worries me because he really does seem fine. I wonder if I read too much into him but how can he be fine? When I was 11 all I wanted in the world was my mom. I struggled with sleepovers at friends houses because I wanted my mom to pick me up and take me home. I couldn’t imagine spending Christmas with someone else besides my mom.  Last year Christmas was only about 3.5 weeks after they were placed with us. They came at such a busy time of year and piled on top we had to start school and find our new normal. I was very convinced that we kept it upbeat and busy enough that they forgot they weren’t with mom. When I look back at pictures their faces make me feel differently.  This year my name is mom, mommy, mama though. J seems truly excited for Christmas, which is no different from last year but I feel like he is comfortable here. A real comfort. This is his home and family.  Friday we loaded up a Christmas tree and went to Dollar General and bought lights and ornaments and headed to the kids birth grandmas apartment about an hour away to spend the evening with her. Their great aunt, great grandma and some cousins joined us. It was a fun evening of decorating, making Christmas crafts and eating pizza. It was a perfect way to kick off our Christmas season. When we left that night he thanked us for doing it. He melts my heart. I try so hard for him to know that being part of our family does not mean he isn’t part of theirs anymore.  I’ve started our Christmas arrangements now. Last year mom and grandma came to spend Christmas Day with us. This year I am hoping to do it a little different. Since D isn’t with us anymore I am hoping to get him for a day and head to their moms to spend Christmas Day. The most important thing to me in the world is my kids happiness. I don’t want Christmas of all times of the year to be remembered with sadness or loneliness. I want these kids to remember love when they think of me even if someday I just become a distant memory. Sometimes it’s a little inconvenient but that’s ok because they are only little once.