Sure... we have room for a 3 year old...

As the holidays approached I started getting bad anxiety that turned into bad dreams that on Christmas Eve we would get a call for a 4 year old who needed a home. I was so worried about not having presents Christmas morning for this child, I didn’t have, that I legitimately considered buying some to return later to be safe. I know surely that I am not the first foster parent to think these crazy thoughts. Anyways, I talked myself through Christmas Eve and was relieved when 5pm came around and I knew family court was done and caseworkers had more than likely quit “surprise” visits for the day.  Christmas came and went and was great. Our Christmas break was off to a good start but then it happened... the phone call December 27. We are having a hard time placing a 3 year old little girl, it’s getting late and she is still sitting in my dingy office. Can you help? I swore I was done with babies! Only older kids and teens from here on out, babies break your heart because they really don’t understand. Not that any kid does but babies... babies break your heart. But here I was, “Sure... we have room for a 3 year old.” So off I run for Target to grab jammies and pull-ups and back home to pace and stare out the windows.  It was about 8pm when headlights pulled up to our house and a new adventure walked through my door.  So I quickly found out that a 3 year old is way harder to settle in for a night than a 4 month old, 10, 11, or 12 year old! A tiny baby can sleep just about anywhere still and the older kids I have had either came for a short respite knowing it was just for 2 days, came with a sibling to comfort each other or this was not their first rodeo so just fell into the motions. A toddler though... a toddler can make you feel like a kidnapper! Where is my mom? Why am I here? Who are you? Where is the DCFS lady? Is she coming back? Why can’t I see my mom?  I don’t want to be here! Please take me home! It’s so painful to watch. And she didn’t want me because I’m a stranger who clearly is keeping her from her mommy. Only mommy can take away her pain.  Day 2. Is my mommy better yet? Can I go home? Where’s my baby brother? Oh yea, the investigator who brought her dropped that bomb before she slipped out my door the night before. She has a 7 week old brother who I was able to place immediately last night that we need to work on placing together. Can you take a baby? Ummm... I don’t know. Maybe.... One week later! Nope! No I can’t!  No honey your mommy isn’t better yet. No you can’t go home yet. No you can’t see her today. No I can’t just take you home. Remembering why I said no more babies, heart is breaking.  So 26 days have passed and there is no end in sight for her time with us. She is settled in now. She snuggles and plays and says I love you, instead of her breaking my heart she melts it. No, we didn’t cave and take her baby brother and that’s the biggest problem I am having with her. It’s not fair that she is separated from her baby brother even if they don’t really know each other. They deserve to grow up together. I guess no family have stepped up to take them, one family friend was brought up but apparently didn’t check out, 1 set of foster parents seemed to be a hopeful home until they hound out they worked with her family members. Every day she attaches more, my kids attach more, I attach more. She called me mommy tonight. Heart is breaking again.  Friday I was given a phone number to new foster parents who could possibly be a good fit for both kiddos. I couldn’t bring myself to call the number until tonight. One would think being called mom would bring nothing but joy, melt your heart into a gooey mess and shine like a ray of sunshine. That is absolutely how a mommy should feel, except I feel selfish. I need to talk to these new foster parents and see if this is a good fit for my tot. Do everything in my power to reunite her with her brother since the system isn’t making it happen. Try and get her to a new home with more permanency than mine is supposed to be before she gets moved in a few months and goes through the same hell she did December 27. So I made the call... no answer. Well I did my part. I’m good, what more can I do right? You see there is a whole other level to what’s happening in our family that is maybe not just 1 more post but possibly 2! It’s been a crazy couple weeks but because of other things happening I worried that I was working to place her with her brother for the wrong reasons. That helping her find a new home was being selfish. Tonight with her calling me mom though, tonight it was clear, if she was going to leave it needed to happen ASAP. If it can’t happen now then I need to fight to make sure it never does unless it is to her birth parents.  So my phone rang about 2 hours later... it was the perspective new foster mom. She seems great. I loaded her with information about my tot. You really would be amazed about how much you know about a kid after 26 days. She looked for me to have something negative to add but there just isn’t anything. She’s a wonderful, sweet, loving, cuddly, smart beautiful 3 year old and I love her, and I think you will too.... She said she needed to talk to her husband and will be in touch. I know they will want them. A 3 year old and a newborn placement when you are first licensed in like winning the lottery that’s why I was so frustrated when they said they couldn’t place them together in the first place. Until the call comes back I will love her, cuddle her, play with her and be her mommy. Hopefully getting some rest knowing that I am not selfish because a selfish person wouldn’t let go of their baby knowing it’s in the child’s best interest even though it may not be in mine.